I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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