my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
