It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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