HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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