You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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