i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
