If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
