i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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