It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Is it because I queefed?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
