I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize