If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
