Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Hippo gnu deer
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
