My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
