I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
