I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize