2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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