Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
