I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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