There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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