and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
