Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
