GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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