i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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