is your mom at the bar?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
