I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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