it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
