Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
