There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
