I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
