there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
