There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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