How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
