this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize