i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
