hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
