I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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