Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
