wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
