My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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