There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
