Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
