Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
