I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
