You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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