Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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