Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
