I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
