I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
