I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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