I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
