i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
