my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
