I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ladies don't puke and tell
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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