addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
