Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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