I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
