I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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