i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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