Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
