Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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