I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
